Kick-Ass kicks ass!

So I'm late AGAIN. Missed my first two lessons, Art and English. What the fuck. Now I'm going to subject myself to flexi all day, in order to get this essay finished. Wish me luck. I recently went out of my way to introduce myself to Kick-Ass, more commonly known as 'Joe' in his friend circle (he lives in my road and comes to Havant College - Kick Ass is his, well, my nickname for him because he looks like Aaron Johnson). I've never spoken to him before, but thought it'd be rude of me not to say 'hi' after seeing him around so much. But yeah anyway, turns out he's a poet, and an incredibley gifted one at that! He let me read his stuff, and it's truly beautiful! He loves writing it and makes it look so easy. His poetry is the kinda stuff we study in class, it's such a high caliber of writing. Looks can be so decieving, I never would'v guessed that of him. He puts real meaning in the phrase "never judge a book by it's cover". The only drawback to this meeting is that I'm finding it very hard to stop rhyming in couplets when I'm texting.. Hopefully this will wear off, because I sound like a douche.. B-e-a-u-tiful start to the day! Just have to face James Middleditch and his dissaproving 'you missed my lesson AGAIN face' .. Here goes nothing.

Parents Evening Shitmess.

Sooo it was parent's evening tonight at college, and my mother will insist on coming, even though she is told the exact same disheartening thing or worse than she has at the previous one..

Here are a select few of my deteriorating parents evening comments, spanning from school to present day:

"April is doing really well in this subject she's a nice girl and always contributes in class. She will get so far in life, and I'm very happy to be teaching her!"

"April is doing well, and makes a reliable student and group worker but if she just worked a little bit harder she would push her grade up to what she REALLY deserves out of this subject"

"April is doing well in the subject, but she talks alot and sometimes doesn't hand in homework. Her work is really good quality but she needs to apply herself more in order to get the grade she is capable of"

"April doesn't really put much effort into class discussions, she tends to zone out and then can't answer the questions. Furthermore, by not answering the questions she then has nothing to revise from, and struggles in class tests"

"Well, unfortunately April is what's known as a problem student. She's a lovely girl but her class attendance is erratic, she skips class tests altogether and doesn't do the set homework, so we have no record of a working grade. Her essay is two months past deadline and if she doesn't buck up her ideas, she will fail the final exam."

"April has been on three report's now, and is now on Vice Principal's report. This means that she will be withdrawn from college if she fails to keep to the college code, attend ALL lessons, and hand in ALL coursework.
With the way she is going, it doesn't look like she's going to pass her courses. It's very much down to her, and there's nothing further we can do, unless she makes some noticeable effort."

Shit huh.
I'm shit. But, I'm "a nice girl" so that's all that really matters right! ¬¬
I just hate letting my parents down.
My Dad stopped coming to parents evening in my 2nd year at college. Just my mum left, and although she doesn't say anything, she looks so sad :(
I can't stand knowing that I'm the cause of this.
My Art teacher earlier told me in front of her "I think you have a disorder"..
Yeah? Well I'm pretty sure you've got Massive-Fucking-Douche Disorder, so I wont go beating myself up about mine.

Don't let your dreams be dreams ♪

Never been so happy than I am now! Now that we're finally starting to feel the warmth of the sun, I'm going to go ahead and say its spring! :-D
I started a crit study in my Art class the other day and I put my easel in the only patch of sun, it was BEAUTIFUL! Flicked over to my Jack Johnson playlist on the trusty iPod, and I was away!
That guy has made my life SO much better, like seriously, without Jack Johnson I don't know who I'd be today. Don't get me wrong, it's not a teen-bieber-crush thing, I just love his music and his incredible approach to life.
I feel the urge to explain this so make yourself comfortable, you're in for a long ride..

When I first started listening to his music he made me want to move to Hawaii and surf everyday, live in a small house near the beach and open up a cafe like the Hukilau Cafe in 50 First Dates hahaha.. This was around year 8/9 at school, so I was 13ish. I'd search for high-paid jobs that would get me a comfortable bunch of money so that I could live my dreams. So yeah, that then got me into thinking I'd be a really successful Dentist, only practicing on private patients and at the top end of the Dental salary (£100,000). In my mind it was easy, I'd be at University for 5 years, then jump straight on a plane to Hawaii.
Ahh I do miss my care-free naivety.. haha
I worked really hard at GCSE level so that I could take the higher Math paper, which I'd previously been told I wasn't allowed to do because I was in the lower set, and came out with a B! Fuck you Math Director! If there's one thing I've learned it's that you should NEVER let anyone tell you what you will or wont achieve. You know yourself, YOU set your goals and YOU decide.
Anyways my GCSE's got me into college and onto the courses I wanted for Dentistry (Chemistry, Biology, Math) and I picked up Drama too.
Everything was going smoothly until I realised how uninterested I was in the courses. I didn't particularly like them in school, and they didn't get any better at college. I started failing class tests across all my subjects, and I guess I got so afraid of failing I didn't want to try anymore. Pathetic really.
My Doctor told me that I had depression. Gave me some silly helpline numbers. No thanks.
After months of miserable, it finally dawned on me that If I didn't have any real interest in these subjects other than the paycheck, 5 more years of them at University was NOT going to make me happy.
This realisation didn't really help the depression. I was halfway through my first academic year, and all hopes of my Hawaii life dream had shrivelled up and died in front of my eyes.
I failed all my AS exams with U's other than Drama..
Over the summer I decided I wanted to be an actress. Yeah, I know.
I'd had the silly idea at school before then too.
I decided that I'd move to California and attend all the Casting Calls I was getting inboxed to me, from the various casting websites I'd sign up to. When in California I'd become a famous actress and then I'd move to Hawaii with my fat-ole paychecks ;-)
America was where I saw my future, whatever career path I'd choose to follow. That was my dream, and I'd achieve it by any means necessary (I swiftly ruled out prostitution, murder and other major crimes upon further thought).
This obsession went on for a while until realism caught up with me, and thoughts of sustaining myself whilst acting seemed less plausible.
Sooo that put me back in a dead end. Feels horrible when you're suddenly purposeless and lost.
I came back to college and signed up to art.
I just thought "Fuck it, this is easy for you, you know it's the only thing you're good at and you enjoy it. We'll work something out career wise eventually".

So basically, I started making some career ties to Animation. I've always drawn/cartooned since I can remember, and my love for all things illustrated got me into thinking "So. You love drawing shit.. You want to go to California.. That's where the BIG animation studios are.. and you know how to use a pencil. Isn't it glaringly obvious that you're destined to be an Animator!?"

And here we are today. All is well on the career path front after that beautiful epiphany, and it feels so right! There's no bad feeling here like the others, no downside.

I'm studying Graphics, Fine Art, Film Studies and English at college, and I'll be applying to the Arts Institute of San Francisco and CalArts this year.
CalArts is my first choice, but I don't think I'm at a high enough standard to even be considered. I haven't found my own style yet. No visual-dynamicy stuff going on with my work right now. SUCKs!

Whoooooa.. Just read this back and I have strayed SO far away from my point.

It's funny because I started listening to Jack Johnson by complete flook.
Y'see I was 13 and forgot to get a gift for my friend's 14th birthday, so my Mum stopped off in Tesco after school and I randomly picked up Jack Johnson's "On and On" album never having heard of him before or whether she'd like it, just by the look of the song names and funky lookin' cardboard CD cover. When I got home I had a listen -I know that's not cool, but I'm putting it down to fate.
I ended up buying my friend a different birthday present because I loved the CD so much I couldn't let it go.
Crazy how these things work. Who would I be If I hadn't picked up that CD?

Butterfly effect much! If that Tesco employee hadn't put it in my eye line, or the stock had arrived just a little later, everything could be different. Sorta makes you think about what effect you're having on people by just existing. You could be a pinnacle part of someones life and NEVER know it. :-)

I guess all I'm really trying to say is Thank you.
Thank you Jack Johnson. You are completely unaware of how you've shaped my life by just being!

Shoop-shoop-de-doop

Feeling pretty freegin' good for a change! I even think I can keep this up, so I'll have to lock away moany-moanerson in a dark, scary cupboard somewhere distant.. with a bag of pretzels of course (we can't have her dying).
The sun's been out for the last few days, and it improves my mood/want to do work tenfold! Massive urge to get down on Southsea seafront with my skateboard and frisbeee too, I'm just so excited !!
In current news, I have moved back in, changed my room around, built some -metaphorical- bridges, got a whole bunch of coursework done, and planned the next few months of my life out!
All in all, I'm flying at the moment, just don't want to slip back into old habits.
I need to get my english coursework sorted out if I'm ever to face the Vice Principal with my report card again..
I'm so not up for getting kicked out of college.
SO, I'm off to sleepies so I can wake up and get into college on time.
I hate being so good.
;)

Take it back now y'all ..

All efforts to keep up with the extreme diet, went out of the window for the half term break.. My bad
As of today it's starting again. Currently on a 500 calorie day.
So far I have consumed:
Apple Nutri-Grain Bar 133kcals
Skips 90kcals
Diet Pepsi 2.4kcals

So that leaves me with 274.6 kcals left for the rest of the day. It's only 12.10pm..
Tomorrow's a 500 day too, sort of leaves me dreading the next 8 weeks, but I know at the end, I wont regret it. It'll be my 19th birthday, and I'll be a very happy, and somewhat boney, bunny.

Diet Coke SUCKS.

Whoaa, what?

Theres nothing I dislike more than falling out with friends. Not just friends, like BEST friends. The people who matter the most. There's a current shitmess going on with me and a friend of mine. I'd apologise to him, if I'd actually done anything wrong.
It's exhausting trying to stand up for yourself all the tiiiime.
I'm not posting this to rip it out of him, but he wont return my texts or tweets or anything. So if he sees this he'll probably blog something ambiguous and intelligent in response, using big words to flaunt his oh-so-superior wit to the world.
... Aaahh.. Maybe I ripped at him a little there.. Apologies.

I don't think it's dawned on hi--
Right no. I think I'm mature enough to speak directly (I'm fully aware that blogging doesn't really qualify as 'direct' .. cut me some slack)
Has it dawned on you that what she told you I said, isn't? Or that you've misinterpreted it? You tend to do that.

It was a harmless 'who the heck are you?' facebook chat conversation with a girl he knows(who I didn't realise was of any importance to him until my buddy Ems, who I'm living with, told me she knew her).
I really don't like it when people add you on facebook, after they've never met/talked to you, just because you have mutual friends, and then when you try to make polite conversation to find out who they actually are, they either don't talk back, or use "Lol" or "Yep" as a solid sentence.
Ems then informed me that this girl went out on a date with him, and my honest reaction was a heart-felt "Good for you man!", after his talks of previous failing relationships.
He'd invited us over earlier in the day, but we couldn't make it, so I asked this girl if she was going round too, and that we were going to but couldn't get down there, and that it would've been nice to meet her.
He'd shown her a tweet of mine that I'd posted just after I started 'talking' to her on chat that went like this..
"I don't like being added on facebook by people I don't know. Just because you know my friends, it doesn't mean I have to know you".
Fair do's, it may have been a little harsh, but twitter is the place for venting your obscurities without the world judging you!
I don't understand why it was necessary to show her that? It was so out of line, after being nothing but Little Miss Nice during our conversation.

If things like this keep happening between us, I can't see us being friends much longer. I'd actually hate that. Maybe it's for the best though, who knows, but I don't see what good can come from losing you.

"How did we get here, when I used to know you so well..?"
Yes I just threw some cheesy lyrics at you.

It's a battle.

Sooo. A week off from college, and I still haven't done any work. The week has gone so quickly I can't believe it, we could've done with a longer break but tis always better than nothing.

Rough couple days. Missing home, or more correctly, the feeling of home. I haven't felt 'home' for over a year now. But I can't go back. Dad has kicked me out, and detatched me from family life.
I think, when Nan got cancer, something slowly suffocated what was left of the house's happiness. Things were already rocky between me and my Dad, but this has spiralled so far out of control. We barely talk. No. I barely talk. I rarely talk to mum or dad or my sister.. I can't even explain why. I love them all SO much. I just don't know what to say.
I'm such a dark cloud, and find a negative side to everything. Shouldn't it be easy, just to be happy for a while?

I see why Dad kicked me out. I am a waster. Why aren't I committing myself to my future? Why am I throwing everything my parents have ever done for me, straight back in their faces..? I don't understand why I'm doing this to them.
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to my Dad. He just does this thing, where lets say, you show him something you're proud of, like a painting or whatever, and if it's not his 'thing'/something he's interested in, he'll quickly glance over his glasses, say something half-hearted like "thats nice" and go straight back to reading the paper..
He's always been like this. When I was 11 I played archery. I skipped 15 junior medals and went straight to Gold, and I had, and still currently hold, 5 Hampshire records. Looking back, for an eleven year old, I'd say that's pretty fucking good.
I remember how my dad (who also played in the club - with no Hammy records I'd like to add) would watch my every fucking move to see if I made a mistake. If I didn't group the arrows, or didn't hit the two innermost rings on the target etc, he'd let out this sigh-like noise of sheer disgust. He really chaps my ass. Nothing is ever good enough for that man.
The more he picked at me, the less I liked archery.
So yeah, I dropped out. It's degrading to have somebody doing that to you, when you're trying SO hard. Not the best attitude to have at a young age. Pfft.

I've just realised I'm venting, and trying to blame someone for my shit-storm. Need to stop doing that.
Just wish I'd try harder. Lost all motivation. This probably sounds ridiculous, but sometimes dying sounds so much more inviting than trying to live this out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking suicidal. I'm just saying that If my times up soon, I really don't mind. No more worries, no more neverending struggle, and no more empty in this inanimate heart of mine.

God I miss them. :(

pj's, grapefruit and black swan.

It's half term, the college worries can fucking wait.
Watched Black Swan yesterday which followed a sudden need to throw myself into all things BALLET! (Dont wanna say too much about the movie, and spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it- But I will say its the most beautiful headfuck of a movie! WATCH IT!).

Going to start the ballerina diet sooonish, well, my own spinoff mixed with another slightly more extreme diet plan which I'm scared to even mention.
Had half a grapefruit this morning. Yummy! So thats a 53 calorie breakfast. Lunch will be a slice of buttered toast (110) and dinner, poached egg and buttered toast (190). I've had a caramel snack-a-jack (51) and a fig biscuit (73!) as snackage so far. Thats a 477 calorie day.. I need to get some decent multi-vitamins. Not up for organ failure at 18..
I figure that when I'm skinny no matter how fucked up I'd be on the inside, it'll be worth the pain to be noticed by people. Fed up of looking in the mirror and seeing her. She isn't me. I hate that I have to photoshop every photo of me. It's so depressing and the neverending cycle is exhausting.
I have to change.




This is a song a very good friend of mine showed me a little while back. She makes me beautiful.

I needz caffeine..

SO!
I have a deadline tomorrow for my Art and Graphics. I have been pretty day-um shoddy with the amount of coursework I've completed this academic year, so I've brought this on myself.
Tonight I shall be staying up and getting a LOT of coursework done (at least I'm hoping so) in an attempt to come out of my two favourite subjects with a lovely high grade from each.
This coursework deadline is the FINAL deadline before we start our exam coursework, which I didn't realise a week ago and dismissed it without any real concern (DURH).
So yeah. Perhaps when I finish, at some point I'll take a few photos and shlop them up on my blog. Perhaps set an example of what can be achieved if you really try, and why leaving it till the day before is a shitty academic decision.
I want to get decent grades, and apply to CalArts y'see. Even if I do get outstanding grades (which appears unlikely in my current sitch), without the right working attitude and committment to the courses, I don't deserve to go to CalArts.
Right-o, I'd better start making a plan of action for when my mind gets fuzzy in the early hours of the morning..
Have a good day/evening/sleep depending on where you are. :-)

“Things can only get better”

If this phrase is merely something people throw around in order to make others feel better about themselves and not a solid fact, I shall be writing a formal complaint to someone of literary importance, in addition to this blog post.

Everyone has bad days. That's a given. But for me, today has been the most gargantuan of shitty days.

In chronological order of shittiness:

1. My Dad kicked me out.
Well. I have till the weekend to find somewhere to go, but still. He sorta grounded me for missing half a day of college, for the record I'm 18 years old, and it went from him saying I couldn't go out on college nights (merh, fair do's) to not being allowed to go out at all (FUCKNO!). After doing a few hours of college work the other night, I asked my Dad if I could go out, and he said no (which I had already perceived). So in true teenager fashion I stormed upstairs and played some of my more heavier music (Breaking Benjamin, Simple Plan, Three Days Grace) especially loud in feeble defiance. In an attempt to see my friends, I then asked if I could go down to the supermarket and pick up some acrylic paint for my Art coursework, which he immediately challenged but swiftly overruled by my Mum who granted me freedom. Content with my use of cunning I started to get ready to go out, only to hear my Dad call up the stairs that he was going to take me there and back in the car. ... Massive fail on my part. I was being escorted to the freegin’ supermarket! When we got there, he said he was going to get a card for Valentine’s and that he’d meet me by the exit. So I immediately decided that I’d bum around long enough, so he’d give up waiting for me and go home. Magnifique! It worked, and I ended up going out after all, even if it was for a couple hours. When I got home, he said nothing to me so I was completely safe. After work the next day, I saw my boyfriend for a few hours, because I hadn’t seen him all week, and I came home late. That’s when Dad kicked off.
Now here we are today, on the verge of moving out. I’m not going to lament over this, or grovel my case. No thanks. Let’s just see what happens at the end of the week.

2. I ran out of make-up.
I’m breaking out okay, and I’m out for valentines tonight! I need my face to be half presentable. Not cool, not cool..

3. I ripped my jacket
Coming out of my room, I snagged the pocket on the door handle and it took it clean off leaving a lovely gaping hole in my, now, tramp coat.

4. I ripped my bag ..
Yeahpp. On a door handle too. This time at college. SUPER!

5. Got bollocked in English
So I didn’t hand in an essay a little while back, well.. quite a while back, and it’s a pretty big deal so yeah, my English teacher was preeetty peeved that I still hadn’t gotten round to doing it. He referred me to Vice Principal (who I am on report to) so that was lovely and helpful of him.


Happy Valentines!

What is this 'sleep' you speak of?

I'm currently fighting off the bitch more commonly known as 'sleep'. I've pretty much forgotten what a sleeping pattern is these days.
Trying crazy hard to tidy my room (or at least get into that mindset), so I can do some coursework.
So far I have managed to break a dresser drawer, pick up some pants, move a towel from the floor onto my bed and throw out some stale bread, leftover from my 5am attempt-to-sober-up soup meal last Monday morning..
You know what, I really canny be assed to talk about something so irrelevant as my erratic sleeping pattern..

Fook it. Let's talk about the male species and all it's frivolities shall we!
I've become very reliant on my phone to check facebook, twitter, gmail, you name it, for a message from that guy. A guy who, no matter how long I've known him for, holds some small sort of power over me. This guy has the power to make me matter, or well, not. Some guys have you in their firm grasp without even realising it. If, like me, you do not understand the way guys think, I implore you to buy/borrow "He's Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
Basically, Greg rips apart all the excuses girls make for men in a few short sentances and quickly, and sometimes harshly, brings us back down to reality. Each chapter begins “He’s just not that into you if..” followed by an excuse like “he’s not calling you” and then Greg’s ruthless yet illuminating summary.

But chyeah, let's see what happens. Waaaay too much to do at the moment, so I'm not going to worry about it. Living is such a chore at eighteen.

One year closer to the end of the world (2011)

So this is 2011 huh?
Guess it's time to break open a new batch of resolutions, I don't intend to keep..
Let's see..

1. Stop caring about being single.
It's tiring & sad. Accept that I'm fated to grow old alone, living in an abandoned refrigerator on the side of a remote highway somewhere, scavenging food being my only hindrance in life.

2. Get into Art College.
Stop being an idiot, and get off my ass to contribute something towards my future. Get that beefy £150,000 loan sorted one way or another, and get the applications sorted for The Arts Institute of San Francisco (unless I'm comfortable with my fated ideals, in which case, start collecting canned foods with long sell-by dates and ringpulls..)

3. DO SOME BLOODY COURSEWORK.
Slacking off won't get me anywhere. When it comes to dedication to work and motivation to attend college I'm such a douche, I quote "you're a little bit shit aren't you"- My tutor/teacher at college. Thats never a good sign.

4. Focus.
I'm too easily distracted, and go off topic every few minutes. Tidy my room, so there's nothing to play around with.
-Sidenote: I'm typing this with dry PVA glue all over my face. I thought it would be an ideal temporary equivalent to a facemask/facelift. So point proven really I guess..

5. Lose weight.
I thought I'd throw in a classic. Just for 'Lols'.