Rough couple days. Missing home, or more correctly, the feeling of home. I haven't felt 'home' for over a year n
ow. But I can't go back. Dad has kicked me out, and detatched me from family life.
I think, when Nan got cancer, something slowly suffocated what was left of the house's happiness. Things were already rocky between me and my Dad, but this has spiralled so far out of control. We barely talk. No. I barely talk. I rarely talk to mum or dad or my sister.. I can't even explain why. I love them all SO much. I just don't know what to say.
I'm such a dark cloud, and find a negative side to everything. Shouldn't it be easy,
just to be happy for a while?
I see why Dad kicked me out. I am a waster. Why aren't I committing myself to my future? Why am I throwing everything my parents have ever done for me, straight back in their faces..? I don't understand why I'm doing this to them.
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to my Dad. He just does this thing, where lets say, you show him something you're proud of, like a painting or whatever, and if it's not his 'thing'/something he's interested in, he'll quickly glance over his glasses, say something half-hearted like "thats nice" and go straight back to reading the paper..
He's always been like this. When I was 11 I played archery. I skipped 15 junior medals and went straight to Gold, and I had, and still currently hold, 5 Hampshire records. Looking back, for an eleven year old, I'd say that's pretty fucking good.
I remember how my dad (who also played in the club - with no Hammy records I'd like to add) would watch my every fucking move to see if I made a mistake. If I did
n't group the arrows, or didn't hit the two innermost rings on the target etc, he'd let out this sigh-like noise of sheer disgust. He really chaps my ass. Nothing is ever good enough for that man.
The more he picked at me, the less I liked archery.
So yeah, I dropped out. It's degrading to have somebody doing that to you, when you're trying SO hard. Not the best attitude to have at a young age. Pfft.
I've just realised I'm venting, and trying to blame someone for my shit-storm. Need to stop doing that.
Just wish I'd try harder. Lost all motivation. This probably sounds ridiculous, but sometimes dying sounds so much more inviting than trying to live this out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking suicidal. I'm just saying that If my times up soon, I really don't mind. No more worries, no more neverending struggle, and no more empty in this inanimate heart of mine.
God I miss them. :(
ow. But I can't go back. Dad has kicked me out, and detatched me from family life. I think, when Nan got cancer, something slowly suffocated what was left of the house's happiness. Things were already rocky between me and my Dad, but this has spiralled so far out of control. We barely talk. No. I barely talk. I rarely talk to mum or dad or my sister.. I can't even explain why. I love them all SO much. I just don't know what to say.
I'm such a dark cloud, and find a negative side to everything. Shouldn't it be easy,
just to be happy for a while?I see why Dad kicked me out. I am a waster. Why aren't I committing myself to my future? Why am I throwing everything my parents have ever done for me, straight back in their faces..? I don't understand why I'm doing this to them.
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to my Dad. He just does this thing, where lets say, you show him something you're proud of, like a painting or whatever, and if it's not his 'thing'/something he's interested in, he'll quickly glance over his glasses, say something half-hearted like "thats nice" and go straight back to reading the paper..
He's always been like this. When I was 11 I played archery. I skipped 15 junior medals and went straight to Gold, and I had, and still currently hold, 5 Hampshire records. Looking back, for an eleven year old, I'd say that's pretty fucking good.
I remember how my dad (who also played in the club - with no Hammy records I'd like to add) would watch my every fucking move to see if I made a mistake. If I did
n't group the arrows, or didn't hit the two innermost rings on the target etc, he'd let out this sigh-like noise of sheer disgust. He really chaps my ass. Nothing is ever good enough for that man.The more he picked at me, the less I liked archery.
So yeah, I dropped out. It's degrading to have somebody doing that to you, when you're trying SO hard. Not the best attitude to have at a young age. Pfft.
I've just realised I'm venting, and trying to blame someone for my shit-storm. Need to stop doing that.
Just wish I'd try harder. Lost all motivation. This probably sounds ridiculous, but sometimes dying sounds so much more inviting than trying to live this out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking suicidal. I'm just saying that If my times up soon, I really don't mind. No more worries, no more neverending struggle, and no more empty in this inanimate heart of mine.
God I miss them. :(
Well, April, I'm not really one to talk, being in the same boat with the 'if time's up, it's up' but, but tbh a lot of how people act as adults stems from something deep that happened during their childhoods, so to me it seems your Dad actually is the cause of inadvertedly making it hard to commit to things you're good at.
ReplyDeleteWhich is why you have your friends, like me to egg you on and tell you how damned talented you are! Should stick with the art, the stuff you paint is incredible and I think you can go far! =)