Take it back now y'all ..

All efforts to keep up with the extreme diet, went out of the window for the half term break.. My bad
As of today it's starting again. Currently on a 500 calorie day.
So far I have consumed:
Apple Nutri-Grain Bar 133kcals
Skips 90kcals
Diet Pepsi 2.4kcals

So that leaves me with 274.6 kcals left for the rest of the day. It's only 12.10pm..
Tomorrow's a 500 day too, sort of leaves me dreading the next 8 weeks, but I know at the end, I wont regret it. It'll be my 19th birthday, and I'll be a very happy, and somewhat boney, bunny.

Diet Coke SUCKS.

Whoaa, what?

Theres nothing I dislike more than falling out with friends. Not just friends, like BEST friends. The people who matter the most. There's a current shitmess going on with me and a friend of mine. I'd apologise to him, if I'd actually done anything wrong.
It's exhausting trying to stand up for yourself all the tiiiime.
I'm not posting this to rip it out of him, but he wont return my texts or tweets or anything. So if he sees this he'll probably blog something ambiguous and intelligent in response, using big words to flaunt his oh-so-superior wit to the world.
... Aaahh.. Maybe I ripped at him a little there.. Apologies.

I don't think it's dawned on hi--
Right no. I think I'm mature enough to speak directly (I'm fully aware that blogging doesn't really qualify as 'direct' .. cut me some slack)
Has it dawned on you that what she told you I said, isn't? Or that you've misinterpreted it? You tend to do that.

It was a harmless 'who the heck are you?' facebook chat conversation with a girl he knows(who I didn't realise was of any importance to him until my buddy Ems, who I'm living with, told me she knew her).
I really don't like it when people add you on facebook, after they've never met/talked to you, just because you have mutual friends, and then when you try to make polite conversation to find out who they actually are, they either don't talk back, or use "Lol" or "Yep" as a solid sentence.
Ems then informed me that this girl went out on a date with him, and my honest reaction was a heart-felt "Good for you man!", after his talks of previous failing relationships.
He'd invited us over earlier in the day, but we couldn't make it, so I asked this girl if she was going round too, and that we were going to but couldn't get down there, and that it would've been nice to meet her.
He'd shown her a tweet of mine that I'd posted just after I started 'talking' to her on chat that went like this..
"I don't like being added on facebook by people I don't know. Just because you know my friends, it doesn't mean I have to know you".
Fair do's, it may have been a little harsh, but twitter is the place for venting your obscurities without the world judging you!
I don't understand why it was necessary to show her that? It was so out of line, after being nothing but Little Miss Nice during our conversation.

If things like this keep happening between us, I can't see us being friends much longer. I'd actually hate that. Maybe it's for the best though, who knows, but I don't see what good can come from losing you.

"How did we get here, when I used to know you so well..?"
Yes I just threw some cheesy lyrics at you.

It's a battle.

Sooo. A week off from college, and I still haven't done any work. The week has gone so quickly I can't believe it, we could've done with a longer break but tis always better than nothing.

Rough couple days. Missing home, or more correctly, the feeling of home. I haven't felt 'home' for over a year now. But I can't go back. Dad has kicked me out, and detatched me from family life.
I think, when Nan got cancer, something slowly suffocated what was left of the house's happiness. Things were already rocky between me and my Dad, but this has spiralled so far out of control. We barely talk. No. I barely talk. I rarely talk to mum or dad or my sister.. I can't even explain why. I love them all SO much. I just don't know what to say.
I'm such a dark cloud, and find a negative side to everything. Shouldn't it be easy, just to be happy for a while?

I see why Dad kicked me out. I am a waster. Why aren't I committing myself to my future? Why am I throwing everything my parents have ever done for me, straight back in their faces..? I don't understand why I'm doing this to them.
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to my Dad. He just does this thing, where lets say, you show him something you're proud of, like a painting or whatever, and if it's not his 'thing'/something he's interested in, he'll quickly glance over his glasses, say something half-hearted like "thats nice" and go straight back to reading the paper..
He's always been like this. When I was 11 I played archery. I skipped 15 junior medals and went straight to Gold, and I had, and still currently hold, 5 Hampshire records. Looking back, for an eleven year old, I'd say that's pretty fucking good.
I remember how my dad (who also played in the club - with no Hammy records I'd like to add) would watch my every fucking move to see if I made a mistake. If I didn't group the arrows, or didn't hit the two innermost rings on the target etc, he'd let out this sigh-like noise of sheer disgust. He really chaps my ass. Nothing is ever good enough for that man.
The more he picked at me, the less I liked archery.
So yeah, I dropped out. It's degrading to have somebody doing that to you, when you're trying SO hard. Not the best attitude to have at a young age. Pfft.

I've just realised I'm venting, and trying to blame someone for my shit-storm. Need to stop doing that.
Just wish I'd try harder. Lost all motivation. This probably sounds ridiculous, but sometimes dying sounds so much more inviting than trying to live this out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking suicidal. I'm just saying that If my times up soon, I really don't mind. No more worries, no more neverending struggle, and no more empty in this inanimate heart of mine.

God I miss them. :(

pj's, grapefruit and black swan.

It's half term, the college worries can fucking wait.
Watched Black Swan yesterday which followed a sudden need to throw myself into all things BALLET! (Dont wanna say too much about the movie, and spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it- But I will say its the most beautiful headfuck of a movie! WATCH IT!).

Going to start the ballerina diet sooonish, well, my own spinoff mixed with another slightly more extreme diet plan which I'm scared to even mention.
Had half a grapefruit this morning. Yummy! So thats a 53 calorie breakfast. Lunch will be a slice of buttered toast (110) and dinner, poached egg and buttered toast (190). I've had a caramel snack-a-jack (51) and a fig biscuit (73!) as snackage so far. Thats a 477 calorie day.. I need to get some decent multi-vitamins. Not up for organ failure at 18..
I figure that when I'm skinny no matter how fucked up I'd be on the inside, it'll be worth the pain to be noticed by people. Fed up of looking in the mirror and seeing her. She isn't me. I hate that I have to photoshop every photo of me. It's so depressing and the neverending cycle is exhausting.
I have to change.




This is a song a very good friend of mine showed me a little while back. She makes me beautiful.

I needz caffeine..

SO!
I have a deadline tomorrow for my Art and Graphics. I have been pretty day-um shoddy with the amount of coursework I've completed this academic year, so I've brought this on myself.
Tonight I shall be staying up and getting a LOT of coursework done (at least I'm hoping so) in an attempt to come out of my two favourite subjects with a lovely high grade from each.
This coursework deadline is the FINAL deadline before we start our exam coursework, which I didn't realise a week ago and dismissed it without any real concern (DURH).
So yeah. Perhaps when I finish, at some point I'll take a few photos and shlop them up on my blog. Perhaps set an example of what can be achieved if you really try, and why leaving it till the day before is a shitty academic decision.
I want to get decent grades, and apply to CalArts y'see. Even if I do get outstanding grades (which appears unlikely in my current sitch), without the right working attitude and committment to the courses, I don't deserve to go to CalArts.
Right-o, I'd better start making a plan of action for when my mind gets fuzzy in the early hours of the morning..
Have a good day/evening/sleep depending on where you are. :-)

“Things can only get better”

If this phrase is merely something people throw around in order to make others feel better about themselves and not a solid fact, I shall be writing a formal complaint to someone of literary importance, in addition to this blog post.

Everyone has bad days. That's a given. But for me, today has been the most gargantuan of shitty days.

In chronological order of shittiness:

1. My Dad kicked me out.
Well. I have till the weekend to find somewhere to go, but still. He sorta grounded me for missing half a day of college, for the record I'm 18 years old, and it went from him saying I couldn't go out on college nights (merh, fair do's) to not being allowed to go out at all (FUCKNO!). After doing a few hours of college work the other night, I asked my Dad if I could go out, and he said no (which I had already perceived). So in true teenager fashion I stormed upstairs and played some of my more heavier music (Breaking Benjamin, Simple Plan, Three Days Grace) especially loud in feeble defiance. In an attempt to see my friends, I then asked if I could go down to the supermarket and pick up some acrylic paint for my Art coursework, which he immediately challenged but swiftly overruled by my Mum who granted me freedom. Content with my use of cunning I started to get ready to go out, only to hear my Dad call up the stairs that he was going to take me there and back in the car. ... Massive fail on my part. I was being escorted to the freegin’ supermarket! When we got there, he said he was going to get a card for Valentine’s and that he’d meet me by the exit. So I immediately decided that I’d bum around long enough, so he’d give up waiting for me and go home. Magnifique! It worked, and I ended up going out after all, even if it was for a couple hours. When I got home, he said nothing to me so I was completely safe. After work the next day, I saw my boyfriend for a few hours, because I hadn’t seen him all week, and I came home late. That’s when Dad kicked off.
Now here we are today, on the verge of moving out. I’m not going to lament over this, or grovel my case. No thanks. Let’s just see what happens at the end of the week.

2. I ran out of make-up.
I’m breaking out okay, and I’m out for valentines tonight! I need my face to be half presentable. Not cool, not cool..

3. I ripped my jacket
Coming out of my room, I snagged the pocket on the door handle and it took it clean off leaving a lovely gaping hole in my, now, tramp coat.

4. I ripped my bag ..
Yeahpp. On a door handle too. This time at college. SUPER!

5. Got bollocked in English
So I didn’t hand in an essay a little while back, well.. quite a while back, and it’s a pretty big deal so yeah, my English teacher was preeetty peeved that I still hadn’t gotten round to doing it. He referred me to Vice Principal (who I am on report to) so that was lovely and helpful of him.


Happy Valentines!